Oh boy, Radicals, I’m sorry about this one.  RE: Culture is supposed to be fun and airy and stuff, but this week, I have grave news. My childhood has been kidnapped and tortured.

Okay, fine, I know, I’m the guy who writes about Anonymous and 4chan, my childhood has been dead ever since I saw those pictures of… You know, I think I’ll just start the article now.

As I have have outlined in my awesomely helpful, yet still non-existent bio, my sister and I were home-schooled by our mom, a very successful inner-city school teacher, who pulled us out of school mid-way through second grade due to lax standards and awful teachers.  There were a few downsides to being home-schooled, but
the upsides were far greater; one upside in particular was that we got to watch a metric butt-ton of educational videos.  From Bill Nye (the Global Warming Guy) to The Magic School Bus, there was always some informative program or another playing on the VCR.  Also, you just remembered that VCRs used to be things -but I digress.  The videos that we requested the most, and that received the most play by far, were our Schoolhouse Rock! tapes.  My sister and I watched them so many times that the lyrics are etched in our minds and the visuals are burned into our retinas.  The Preamble to the Constitution, the digestive process, what exactly an adverb is, why
multiplying by 9 is bad for mice, capitalism; these are all things we learned about through the informational gateway drug that is School House Rock.

Sadly, the newest wave of Schoolhouse Rock! songs aren’t concerned with the fundamentals of  government, grammar, history, math, money or science.  Instead, they are concerned with propaganda, indoctrination and environmental fundamentalism.  Not only that, they’re also just plain awful.  Have a bag ready and click play.

There are 11 more like that.  Ugh.

Released in 2009 and featuring veterans of the original series like Bob Dorough & Jack Sheldon, Schoolhouse Rock! Earth has everything Al Gore could want in a children’s cartoon: junk science,  rapping walruses, fear-mongering, and polar bears interrupting a child’s shower.  What’s worse is that this mess of hamfisted liberal twaddle came from the same creative team that brought us classics like “I’m Just a Bill”, “My Hero Zero”, “Electricity, Electricity” and “The Tale of Mr.Morton”.  Speaking of Mr. Morton, he, along with Interplanet Janet and Bill-esque anthropomorphic cans, make return appearances to remind you that yes, this is a Schoolhouse Rock! production, and no, you can’t do anything about the grotesque bastardization that has befallen these treasured childhood characters.  Thankfully, as I mentioned before, these new entries into the Schoolhouse Rock! pantheon are mercifully horrible, which makes not watching them extremely easy, particularly when the classics are readily available.

Speaking of the classics, I’m going to leave you with one of my favorite “new classics” from Money Rocks! “This For That” is a great way to introduce capitalism to a younger family member or any information-challenged liberals (but I do repeat myself) you might bump into.

No More Kings is my favorite Schoolhouse Rock! song, what’s yours?

Let me know in the chat!

Oh yeah, also be sure to listen to On The Line With @SomethingFishie tonight at 10pm eastern, Fishie’ll be interviewing Dean Clancy of Freedom Works!