It started creeping in about a week ago. I dreaded it coming. I didn’t want to think about it again. I wanted to be free from it, but knew I couldn’t overlook it completely. In the days before, it started showing itself through social media, TV commercials and the news programs. Once again each station was going to try and outdo the next. I’m sorry, but I did not want to celebrate September 11, 2001. I did not want to be a part of the anniversary of the day the United States wept and mourned.
We all deal with grief in our own way. Some experts say there are five stages of grief; others say there are seven. Does it really matter how many there are? No matter how we examine it, some will never get through those steps and will speed through like nothing ever happened.
This September 11th, I didn’t watch the news. I tried to avoided social media and the thoughtful memes posted on my friends’ pages. I watched a family channel on TV or Netflix instead of documentaries on the prime channels. This year I didn’t need to see the buildings burning. I didn’t need to see a plane fly into a building. I didn’t need to see the devastation that was left in the aftermath of the buildings collapsing. I didn’t need to see people leaping to their death. I don’t need to see the footage. Those images are burned into my memory, never able to leave.
Just because I didn’t watch or share a meme or comment doesn’t mean I still didn’t grieve. This year I chose to be silent. I avoided all its publicity. This year, I prayed. I prayed for those who died. I prayed for those who were heroes that day. I prayed for those who leaped to their death. Most of all I prayed for those who continue to live but were deeply effected. I prayed for the children, the mothers, the fathers, the wives, the husbands, the sisters, the brothers, the cousins, the grandchildren, the grandparents, the friends, the neighbors and the acquaintances. I prayed for a young man in New Jersey that was a child when the towers fell; he didn’t really know anybody that died but he will never be the same.
I did NOT pray for the 19 men that caused this sorrow. I cannot forgive them yet. I cannot let go of this anger I have toward these men. I don’t know if I will ever be able to let go of this anger. These men made me realize how unsafe our world really is, how unsafe this country really is. We can put trained guards in the air, we have x-rays in airports, we can have stronger laws but we, as a country, are not any safer than we were then. We as a country have to make stronger borders. We have to defend our freedoms and rights with gusto. We have to protect ourselves – as a country and as individuals. We have to learn to be strong Americans again.
No, I did not watch or participate in the remembrance of 9/11. I stocked my pantry, I bought defense items and I read my Bible. I will never forget. I guess I just grieve in my own way.